Doubt and love

Doubt is a terrible feeling that haunts me. It has been for the past week. Worried about my own worth, my social slip-ups, being abandoned by friends, my work and my progress in life. There's a pattern I would know by now; that much of my fear isn't true and being like this won't help - the energy needed to recentre myself is simply tiring.

I also need to remember that work =/= true satisfaction with life.

It's funny how verbalising something soothes you. Maybe because when it's in my head, cells feed each other and escalating daymares. It circles and doesn't reach a concrete resolution. I was uncomfortable at first to talk to U about it. I'm always afraid that it would go against what he thought of me, and that adolescent fear of abandonment seizes me momentarily. Or how a wrong move had cost me dearly in primary school; from a favoured child to one that my teachers asked to isolate.

But he isn't they. And if it's someone I want to spend a long long time with, he should be a person I could be vulnerable with and who I could share my things with. So I did. He did not react the way my amydala told me it would.  That reminder that, what happened in my early years was two exceptions to a rule, is refreshing. And the reminder that my fear of vulnerability probably hindered me from a sense of tenderness in relationships.