Low self esteem or anxiety?

     Last Monday was such a dip. Whatever I had felt in the previous post lasted longer than it rationally should. The plan to catch a movie about a liar in South Korea fell into tatters, when I found that I just couldn't do it. Maybe it's better that I do my assignment. Then I got sadder and sat in my car for some time, and felt it's unreasonable to feel this way. Funny thing was in the past few days I had momentary feelings of euphoria as if I could conquer the world, but these are merely blips in the presence of listlessness and paralysis.

     Reasonings, my rational friend, tried to prop me up with things that I know, and used to have the power to at least lift me enough to move on and ignore irrational sadness until it ebbs. It didn't work. The feeling that everything is pointless sunk in.  Maybe I should drop out of my studies.

My mind was a haze, and somehow an anti-anxiety powder bought 2 months ago was what I reached for. Perhaps it's my unconscious mind scrambling to save me; I had not known that I had anxiety, until I took it and felt an immense calm; that feeling that has only been a guest thoroughout my life that allowed me to function in what I think is the version of me that I adore.

Previously I had thought it was a personal metaphorical demon of mine; a low self esteem that has to be battled. But what if it had been anxiety exacerbating a minor thing?

So... I have anxiety? 

What about me?

My period is a week away, and experience is enough to prepare me for that dip in confidence.

It has been a bit of a bumpy road the past two days socially. First, a person who seemed to had liked talking to me in the beginning now doesn't seem to. Secondly, ended up walking together with a colleague to the mall, and it felt inevitable but to strike up a casual conversation. Yet later I realised I was asking all the questions - he has no interest. Both stings, yet no hard feelings.

Today, the bunch I used to hang out quite a lot during the start of the job went to chill somewhere. They had asked me if I would join them on X day, but I was meeting a friend. I felt they had only asked me only because they happened to see me having an interest in their chats. But later on, they decided to hang out today, and asked people in our vicinity except me. I had this feeling that they were actively avoiding asking me.

I don't know. It stung because when everyone was a stranger, I helped to make.