Thick heads and life that pounds harde

On Sept 11, this was written in my drafts:

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It's probably only 15-20 minutes more wait before we could go to F Studio together, but I'm anxious and counting time. It was 6.35 and the plan was to leave at 5.30-6.

As I left, there was a mixture of anger and guilt. I should had just left and not asked. There is some resentment because I felt that she is only leaving office for company and that maybe she should had stayed in office longer. I felt guilt for feeling all those.

Those thoughts were hooked on me for a while. This was me before, and the after allowed me the recognition that this is unhealthy and not the normal that I want. 

My mind takes a step back at the situation. I had been anxious about the money and needing more. I'm trying to put more time in so I would feel better in taking days off freelance. Yesterday, instead of my planned 5 hours, I ended up only working for 2.

But why was it that important? This whole making money bit? It is, but not as urgent as I'm acting so. 

Honestly? The money is important, but you know, it's okay to chill. And if you want to head there early, don't try to be nice but then be resentful after. That's interesting though, the indecisiveness... it's like trying to be socially nice but inside you feel it's against your wants.

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The last line is apt for the title of this post. My friend mentioned today that sometimes life gives you the same lesson repeatedly because you haven't learnt from it. And it is true in my case. From a colleague neighbour who likes putting things on my table to not asking for better shots, because I had wanted to be patient and nice - but fucking no, this growing resentment tells me it's not acceptable. 

This is my lesson to learn.