Depression?

The signs were innocuous.

It was the fog that slithers through your thoughts and memories, choking one's wits.

It was the messy room; items scattered all over the place.

It was the dust that I watched day after day lingering in the ceiling's corner as I laid in bed at night.

It was the inability to walk 3 minutes to the ATM or to the grocery store.

It was stuck in a loop at a problem that could be solved in other ways.

It was rethinking small bits over and over again, as if it is an anchor for one's life; isolating you from reality. 

It was the fatigue, that no amount of sleep or coffee could cure.

How ordinary, sadness looks. A stealer and muffler of life that could be.

Thick heads and life that pounds harde

On Sept 11, this was written in my drafts:

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It's probably only 15-20 minutes more wait before we could go to F Studio together, but I'm anxious and counting time. It was 6.35 and the plan was to leave at 5.30-6.

As I left, there was a mixture of anger and guilt. I should had just left and not asked. There is some resentment because I felt that she is only leaving office for company and that maybe she should had stayed in office longer. I felt guilt for feeling all those.

Those thoughts were hooked on me for a while. This was me before, and the after allowed me the recognition that this is unhealthy and not the normal that I want. 

My mind takes a step back at the situation. I had been anxious about the money and needing more. I'm trying to put more time in so I would feel better in taking days off freelance. Yesterday, instead of my planned 5 hours, I ended up only working for 2.

But why was it that important? This whole making money bit? It is, but not as urgent as I'm acting so. 

Honestly? The money is important, but you know, it's okay to chill. And if you want to head there early, don't try to be nice but then be resentful after. That's interesting though, the indecisiveness... it's like trying to be socially nice but inside you feel it's against your wants.

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The last line is apt for the title of this post. My friend mentioned today that sometimes life gives you the same lesson repeatedly because you haven't learnt from it. And it is true in my case. From a colleague neighbour who likes putting things on my table to not asking for better shots, because I had wanted to be patient and nice - but fucking no, this growing resentment tells me it's not acceptable. 

This is my lesson to learn.

Low self esteem or anxiety?

     Last Monday was such a dip. Whatever I had felt in the previous post lasted longer than it rationally should. The plan to catch a movie about a liar in South Korea fell into tatters, when I found that I just couldn't do it. Maybe it's better that I do my assignment. Then I got sadder and sat in my car for some time, and felt it's unreasonable to feel this way. Funny thing was in the past few days I had momentary feelings of euphoria as if I could conquer the world, but these are merely blips in the presence of listlessness and paralysis.

     Reasonings, my rational friend, tried to prop me up with things that I know, and used to have the power to at least lift me enough to move on and ignore irrational sadness until it ebbs. It didn't work. The feeling that everything is pointless sunk in.  Maybe I should drop out of my studies.

My mind was a haze, and somehow an anti-anxiety powder bought 2 months ago was what I reached for. Perhaps it's my unconscious mind scrambling to save me; I had not known that I had anxiety, until I took it and felt an immense calm; that feeling that has only been a guest thoroughout my life that allowed me to function in what I think is the version of me that I adore.

Previously I had thought it was a personal metaphorical demon of mine; a low self esteem that has to be battled. But what if it had been anxiety exacerbating a minor thing?

So... I have anxiety? 

What about me?

My period is a week away, and experience is enough to prepare me for that dip in confidence.

It has been a bit of a bumpy road the past two days socially. First, a person who seemed to had liked talking to me in the beginning now doesn't seem to. Secondly, ended up walking together with a colleague to the mall, and it felt inevitable but to strike up a casual conversation. Yet later I realised I was asking all the questions - he has no interest. Both stings, yet no hard feelings.

Today, the bunch I used to hang out quite a lot during the start of the job went to chill somewhere. They had asked me if I would join them on X day, but I was meeting a friend. I felt they had only asked me only because they happened to see me having an interest in their chats. But later on, they decided to hang out today, and asked people in our vicinity except me. I had this feeling that they were actively avoiding asking me.

I don't know. It stung because when everyone was a stranger, I helped to make. 

Glassy eyes of death

We were trying to walk from Zhongshan building to Nu Sentral. It seemed like a short distance, yet Google Maps showed a long, roundabout route. Coming from the experience of ignoring instructions and paths turning out to be safe, we started towards what made sense. This time around though, Google didn't lie; it was roads that has sharp curves where a speeding car may not see us. It was roads with barely any faux pedestrian paths. It was a highway with only slopping grassy sides.

So we retraced our steps, going through those dangers once again. I had a sudden feeling of guilt, that I asked for such a perilous walk. It was the road with sharp curves that made me worry most that he would be in danger. The human body is fragile, and we are so able now. Things could change so fast.


I can't remember the first time that image crossed my mind. Perhaps when it was when he was driving, and me in the passenger seat. A not-very-close call thing happened, and I imagined us crashing into a ravine. I imagined waking up blurry amidst the smoking engine and blood. I imagined when I reached over, his almond eyes are open and wide and dead. I imagined just sitting there, not knowing what to do, what to tell his dad and how long it took to cross paths with him.

I would look at him for a long long time. I do not want this.

Nasi lemak after exercise; the best.

It's like the elixir of life flowing into me, and it felt amazingly good. Note, usual meal consists of two eggs, either boiled or half-boiled.

Doubt and love

Doubt is a terrible feeling that haunts me. It has been for the past week. Worried about my own worth, my social slip-ups, being abandoned by friends, my work and my progress in life. There's a pattern I would know by now; that much of my fear isn't true and being like this won't help - the energy needed to recentre myself is simply tiring.

I also need to remember that work =/= true satisfaction with life.

It's funny how verbalising something soothes you. Maybe because when it's in my head, cells feed each other and escalating daymares. It circles and doesn't reach a concrete resolution. I was uncomfortable at first to talk to U about it. I'm always afraid that it would go against what he thought of me, and that adolescent fear of abandonment seizes me momentarily. Or how a wrong move had cost me dearly in primary school; from a favoured child to one that my teachers asked to isolate.

But he isn't they. And if it's someone I want to spend a long long time with, he should be a person I could be vulnerable with and who I could share my things with. So I did. He did not react the way my amydala told me it would.  That reminder that, what happened in my early years was two exceptions to a rule, is refreshing. And the reminder that my fear of vulnerability probably hindered me from a sense of tenderness in relationships.